So Yeah... ^^

I highly doubt anyone reads this blog anymore sense I don't really update it like EVER! HAHA! Just throwing it out that within the next couple months, I will be turning this blog into a video blog! That's right, I'm gonna buy myself a video camcorder and make some vids of me talking abot shit, drawing something, etc. Hopefully that will give me something to do rather then sit around on my lazy ass and think about shit that drives me insane to the point of wanting to ram my head into a wall continuously HAHA! In other news, life has been having its bright moments! I'm getting back in touch with some amazing friends who I lost contact with forever and a day ago, things are looking up in my love life which is definitely a plus, work is going great cause I will be starting training on my new diecasting position soon, I have a car so that helps, its just nice you know? I can't really complain, I know there are some people out there that have it a hell of a lot worse then I do to say the lease. And for those who do, I'm sorry you have to go through what you do. Life can suck ass sometimes but let me be a living example for you and say that you can always find a light in the darkness so long as you look for it. I had everything and it was taken away all within one year, pretty fucked up huh? Now I am staying in a home with people who love and care about me, my love life is doing much better, I have a job which helps me pay for a car and things I don't necessarily need but want :P, and I still wake up each morning (provided that I fell asleep in the first place but thats getting much better now ^^) So keep smiling and looking up cause sooner or later you will catch a glimpse of the sun! ^^

End This Nightmare!

Well I guess it's official... This girl told me today that she wants to try out another relationship with her ex... She starts off by telling me that it was nothing that I did and to not blame myself but she wants to see if she can have a relationship with him again and that she feels that it won't last long. I asked her why in the world would she do something like that if she believes it's not going to last, she tells me it's because she wants to figure out if he really will change and if things don't work out, she wants me to look at it as a final decision as to whether or not she wants to be with me and if she picks me, I will never have to worry about her having second thoughts about it... Well thats just fine and dandy but what am I supposed to do? Sit on my ass and wait for her? But then again, I told myself before I was with her that I don't need a relationship cause everyone I had ended with me being used or taken for granite. I guess she can consider herself lucky cause as far as I'm concerned, I don't need anyone and I will continue to be independent. I'm done with this stupid shit called love cause, go figure, the moment I start thinking its real, this shit happens. She won't have to worry about me being in a different relationship, but she does have to worry about whether or not I decide to take her back... I just may get too damn comfortable not having anyone by the time she figures out what she wants...

The only problem is that I don't feel myself without this girl... I'm afraid that if the time comes to where she wants to be with me too late, then I may never be myself again... My life is moving forward but I can't seem to go along with it. I'm stuck in one place and I can't move. I can't tell reality from fake, colors blend, and food has no taste anymore. I wish I could hit the pause button on life just to give myself a moment to catch my breath. I literally just lost my reason to want to wake up... She is my everything and without her, I have nothing. I keep thinking that this is a Nightmare and all I have to do is wake up...

Rant

I'm not sure if anyone really reads these things but its nice to know I have a place I can go to just let everything lose... I just wish everything would just go away and stop being such a fucking problem! First up college issues, well more specific, Financial Aid issues. It always seems that I have the wrong forms, or I can't schedule an appointment with anyone when its convenient for me, or something else and chances are (my chances anyways) is that I will have to end up getting loans to pay for shit and it's going to take forever to pay it back, idk... Whatever, I guess that shit was meant to happen cause it always happens to me. I just hope that I can get it fixed...

Next off, relationship issues! I know, it's nothing but relationship problems with me but go figure, idk... I can't seem to figure out what i should do anymore, and its getting difficult to see straight anymore. I love this girl more then anything and I can honestly say that but somethings just get to the point where you just want to curl up in a dark hole and just shut the world out. She is quite literally the love of my life but I'm not too sure if she realizes that and I'm not sure if I mean that much to her. She's always telling me that I'm a great guy and that I'm prefect for her but it always seems to be a different story to me when it comes to her ex or more commonly known as her babies father. Now I understand that she has to keep a good relationship with the guy because, lets face it, he is the father of her child and no one can say any different. But I'm not sure what she thinks when it comes to him cause she always seems to keep me a secret from him. When we hang out, she very rarely ever tells him that I'm with him, I have to go for a walk or something when he comes around or when she swings by his house to grab something, and she doesn't answer the phone when I call her often when she's around him. Ok, I understand why she would want to avoid the headache of him bitching and complaining that she's spending time with me cause he still has deep feelings for her and is trying his hardest to get her back which means he's trying to get his cleaner and food maker back because its not like he ever puts in an effort to help her with anything but still, it hurts knowing that I have to be a secret and it makes me feel bad but not as bas as the fact that she also wont tell me she loves me when shes around him.... If I'm talking to her on the phone and I tell her I love her, her reply is always "You Too" and it hurts... Bad... I can understand why she will hide me but when it comes to that, that just flat out hurts and makes me feel terrible... What makes it worse is that when she's talking to him on the phone around me, she often tells him she loves him too if he tells her he loves her. She will shrug her shoulders or roll her eyes at me to try and show that it doesn't mean anything but it's the fact that she will tell him anyways when she won't to me when he's around. It makes my heart feel hollow and just takes my self esteem, balls it up, and smashes it on the ground... I want this fucking issue resolved already. I've been waiting patiently for a long time now and I'm getting to the point where I don't want to have to anymore. I love her with all my heart and soul and I know what I want but I want her to figure out what she wants. I don't know what to do, how to feel, or how to act anymore and I miss being myself... The only problem is, she is the only one I want to make me be myself again...

Life Update

Unfortunately I'm still without a computer at this time. ARGH! I really need to just stop being so damn lazy LMAO!

I've got a large amount of my stuff packed up sense I'm moving to my sisters here shortly. We finally have all that moving stuff sorted out and it is a good to go thing. Lifes kind of pulling me in all sorts of directions so hopefully it straightens out here soon cause I'm losing a LOT of sleep over everything but then again its not like I slept good in the first place. XD

I still can't post any new drawings yet sense my computer and internet resources border non-existant for the time being plus I have all my moving and job hunting going on so it may be alil bit still but things are looking forward so it shouldn't be too long. ^_^

I hope everyone is doing great and having a wonderful new years! Lets all hope this one goes a hell of a lot better then last year! ^_^