Rant

I'm not sure if anyone really reads these things but its nice to know I have a place I can go to just let everything lose... I just wish everything would just go away and stop being such a fucking problem! First up college issues, well more specific, Financial Aid issues. It always seems that I have the wrong forms, or I can't schedule an appointment with anyone when its convenient for me, or something else and chances are (my chances anyways) is that I will have to end up getting loans to pay for shit and it's going to take forever to pay it back, idk... Whatever, I guess that shit was meant to happen cause it always happens to me. I just hope that I can get it fixed...

Next off, relationship issues! I know, it's nothing but relationship problems with me but go figure, idk... I can't seem to figure out what i should do anymore, and its getting difficult to see straight anymore. I love this girl more then anything and I can honestly say that but somethings just get to the point where you just want to curl up in a dark hole and just shut the world out. She is quite literally the love of my life but I'm not too sure if she realizes that and I'm not sure if I mean that much to her. She's always telling me that I'm a great guy and that I'm prefect for her but it always seems to be a different story to me when it comes to her ex or more commonly known as her babies father. Now I understand that she has to keep a good relationship with the guy because, lets face it, he is the father of her child and no one can say any different. But I'm not sure what she thinks when it comes to him cause she always seems to keep me a secret from him. When we hang out, she very rarely ever tells him that I'm with him, I have to go for a walk or something when he comes around or when she swings by his house to grab something, and she doesn't answer the phone when I call her often when she's around him. Ok, I understand why she would want to avoid the headache of him bitching and complaining that she's spending time with me cause he still has deep feelings for her and is trying his hardest to get her back which means he's trying to get his cleaner and food maker back because its not like he ever puts in an effort to help her with anything but still, it hurts knowing that I have to be a secret and it makes me feel bad but not as bas as the fact that she also wont tell me she loves me when shes around him.... If I'm talking to her on the phone and I tell her I love her, her reply is always "You Too" and it hurts... Bad... I can understand why she will hide me but when it comes to that, that just flat out hurts and makes me feel terrible... What makes it worse is that when she's talking to him on the phone around me, she often tells him she loves him too if he tells her he loves her. She will shrug her shoulders or roll her eyes at me to try and show that it doesn't mean anything but it's the fact that she will tell him anyways when she won't to me when he's around. It makes my heart feel hollow and just takes my self esteem, balls it up, and smashes it on the ground... I want this fucking issue resolved already. I've been waiting patiently for a long time now and I'm getting to the point where I don't want to have to anymore. I love her with all my heart and soul and I know what I want but I want her to figure out what she wants. I don't know what to do, how to feel, or how to act anymore and I miss being myself... The only problem is, she is the only one I want to make me be myself again...