End This Nightmare!

Well I guess it's official... This girl told me today that she wants to try out another relationship with her ex... She starts off by telling me that it was nothing that I did and to not blame myself but she wants to see if she can have a relationship with him again and that she feels that it won't last long. I asked her why in the world would she do something like that if she believes it's not going to last, she tells me it's because she wants to figure out if he really will change and if things don't work out, she wants me to look at it as a final decision as to whether or not she wants to be with me and if she picks me, I will never have to worry about her having second thoughts about it... Well thats just fine and dandy but what am I supposed to do? Sit on my ass and wait for her? But then again, I told myself before I was with her that I don't need a relationship cause everyone I had ended with me being used or taken for granite. I guess she can consider herself lucky cause as far as I'm concerned, I don't need anyone and I will continue to be independent. I'm done with this stupid shit called love cause, go figure, the moment I start thinking its real, this shit happens. She won't have to worry about me being in a different relationship, but she does have to worry about whether or not I decide to take her back... I just may get too damn comfortable not having anyone by the time she figures out what she wants...

The only problem is that I don't feel myself without this girl... I'm afraid that if the time comes to where she wants to be with me too late, then I may never be myself again... My life is moving forward but I can't seem to go along with it. I'm stuck in one place and I can't move. I can't tell reality from fake, colors blend, and food has no taste anymore. I wish I could hit the pause button on life just to give myself a moment to catch my breath. I literally just lost my reason to want to wake up... She is my everything and without her, I have nothing. I keep thinking that this is a Nightmare and all I have to do is wake up...